Stuck in Traffic...

Yesterday I spent about 9 hours in the car, on what should have been about a 6.5 hour trip. With construction, detours, and random stops, our trip with pretty extended. Granted, sitting in the car for that many hours is not something that has cracked my list of favourite things to do, but I was almost grateful for it. After a summer of hardship for my friend Angela, I was happy to be able to be stuck in traffic, put through detours, and being brought to complete stops on the highway, just so we could finally take some time and catch up. 

Angela and I have had a rough road over the last little while. Between all of life's uncertainties and changes that have plagued the both of us, I would count it fair to say that we haven't had the easiest of times getting along for about 6 months or so.

I sold my business and was unemployed for a while and was just feeling awful, then went to a job I absolutely despised, until I recently found something that I really love doing. I can tell you, I have not been the easiest person to get along with. Ange found a long distance boyfriend, and I found her consumed with that at a time when I felt that I needed my best friend, but I didn't even think about how much she wanted me to be around for her in the early stages of this new relationship... I think we were both being pretty stubborn, selfish and hard headed, neither one of us wanting to admit that we needed the other, so she did what she does in those situations and pushed me away. And she pushed HARD! We battled and said things to one another that neither one of us meant.

And then we moved away from each other. Angela, to her parents house, and I found a little beach house about 20 minutes outside of town. We were still best friends as far as anyone else was concerned, but I knew, and I know she did, that our relationship was severely strained. And then Namand, Ange's brother in law, got extremely sick.

Namand Payne was an incredible man with an incredible family. I only ever had the pleasure of spending  some time with Namand when he came to Sault Ste Marie for a week. I can tell you, he was the life of the party and center of attention. He had a great joke for everything, and was always bugging Ange and Gina, playing with his kids, working for his family, and sharing his strong beliefs. He was an amazing man who was struck with the awful task of battling brain cancer.

When it got really bad in June, Angela flew out to Edmonton to help Gina with their 3 children. She was gone for nearly an entire month. I was sad to see her go, but I knew she had to do this for her family. I couldn't have predicted what an impact this situation would have on our friendship. It brought to light how ridiculous the both of us had been.

My heart broke for the whole family. Namand, Gina, Tayvien, Brooklyn, and Tyreece were all in my daily thoughts, along with the rest of their family. I talked to Ange more and more as this terrible situation unfolded. I was broken by the fact that she was hurting so much and I couldn't be there to help, but I called and texted everyday to remind her of what a selfless thing she was doing and what a good person she was, all the while, reminding myself of what an amazing friend I had.

In the end Namand lost his hard fought battle to cancer just a few days after Angela returned to Sault Ste Marie. I think that the powers that be, work in mysterious ways, because for as strong of an individual as Ange is, I don't think she was meant to be there for that. His passing hit her pretty hard, and I was happy to be there for her, to watch videos and cry together, and to chat about all of the wonderful memories she had.

Losing a life is always a tragic event. Namand's was exceptionally sad, as he left behind 3 young, wonderful children, a wife who adored him, and an entire family and friends who will miss him forever, but I don't think he passed in vain. Losing such an amazing person makes everyone realize that life is short and you should hold the people who mean the most to you very closely.

So maybe some people would have been more frustrated to be stuck on such a long drive, but I was happy to be able to use our VERY long drive to catch up with my best friend. This time made me realize that I just want to be HAPPY because you never know when your time will come. Let go of stupid grudges. Don't be so stubborn. Tell people when you need them. Let them know when they've done something good and how important they are to you. You never know when you won't be able to. Trust me, it's a wonderful feeling when you know you are appreciated in the lives of others.

I'm Back

It's been well over a year since I've written a blog, and I have to say, I am pretty disappointed in myself. Working on this blog meant more to me than I think I was willing to admit to myself. It was sort of like my therapy, something to keep me balanced, but more importantly, it kept me accountable to myself.

Today, I read through my blog, and I cried. I mean I really sobbed. The kind of crying that happens when tears are rolling down your cheeks and your nose is running uncontrollably. I cried for my hardships and I cried for my triumphs. I cried because I was proud of myself for all that I accomplished and for all that I've lost. I cried because I remember the feeling of being so proud of myself and how enlightening of a feeling that is! I cried because my blog was so awesome! I could hardly believe I had written it all! I still haven't decided if my tears were happy tears or tears of sadness. They were happy for how amazing this journey was for me and for being able to look back at that time in my life and see so many positive changes in my body and in my spirit, but it was sad to see that I let such an amazing person (myself) fall by the wayside. I stopped practicing all of my great habits, like hitting the gym regularly, eating as well as I could, and making time for myself. Things that genuinely make me happy. I put them aside because I let promises and commitments to others come ahead of promises I have made to myself. I allowed excuses back in. I let life get in the way of MY LIFE and I'm ready to take it back.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm bored of watching TV. Drinking and staying up late just isn't fun anymore. And guess what? All of that bad food that I was allowing myself, WASN'T ALL THAT GOOD! My best meals in life have come after hard work, never after a long night of drinks with friends.

I'm ready to bring back the me that I love. I don't care who wants "the fun Ange", or "the party Ange", or "the Workaholic Ange". I'm ready for the real me.... the best me. I'm not exactly sure where that will take me, but I know it's not here. I can truly say some of  my happiest moments were right after a great workout, or after a week of really clean eating and sitting to enjoy a cheat meal that I had worked for! So I'm doing this for me AGAIN. I know I said I would never go back, but life got the best of me for a little while.

The changes that have happened in the last couple of years are astonishing. Looking back, when I started this blog I was dating a really great guy, who I thought I would spend the rest of my days with. I have been happily single for over a year now, a decision I made for myself and have never regretted I owned a bar, which I have since sold, and am happy to be an EMPLOYEE again, even though it is still managing and running the day to day operations, life is less stressful. Angela and I are no longer living together. Our house was sold and she is actually thinking about making a move out west to be with her new boyfriend. All of these things are different, but I am still the same. My desire to be the better me is still there, it has just been overshadowed by a few of life's obstacles and covered up by a few extra pounds over the last year or so.

So here I go again! On a journey, not for weight loss, or any other one thing. On a journey to make myself as happy as I once was, again! So getting back in shape is a part of it! I could definitely afford to tighten back up a little (ok, a lot). Getting my head back in the game is the biggest part though. Remembering the long term effects of my actions, and keeping my eyes on the prize. Giving myself my happiness back... I like the sound of that!