Stuck in Traffic...

Yesterday I spent about 9 hours in the car, on what should have been about a 6.5 hour trip. With construction, detours, and random stops, our trip with pretty extended. Granted, sitting in the car for that many hours is not something that has cracked my list of favourite things to do, but I was almost grateful for it. After a summer of hardship for my friend Angela, I was happy to be able to be stuck in traffic, put through detours, and being brought to complete stops on the highway, just so we could finally take some time and catch up. 

Angela and I have had a rough road over the last little while. Between all of life's uncertainties and changes that have plagued the both of us, I would count it fair to say that we haven't had the easiest of times getting along for about 6 months or so.

I sold my business and was unemployed for a while and was just feeling awful, then went to a job I absolutely despised, until I recently found something that I really love doing. I can tell you, I have not been the easiest person to get along with. Ange found a long distance boyfriend, and I found her consumed with that at a time when I felt that I needed my best friend, but I didn't even think about how much she wanted me to be around for her in the early stages of this new relationship... I think we were both being pretty stubborn, selfish and hard headed, neither one of us wanting to admit that we needed the other, so she did what she does in those situations and pushed me away. And she pushed HARD! We battled and said things to one another that neither one of us meant.

And then we moved away from each other. Angela, to her parents house, and I found a little beach house about 20 minutes outside of town. We were still best friends as far as anyone else was concerned, but I knew, and I know she did, that our relationship was severely strained. And then Namand, Ange's brother in law, got extremely sick.

Namand Payne was an incredible man with an incredible family. I only ever had the pleasure of spending  some time with Namand when he came to Sault Ste Marie for a week. I can tell you, he was the life of the party and center of attention. He had a great joke for everything, and was always bugging Ange and Gina, playing with his kids, working for his family, and sharing his strong beliefs. He was an amazing man who was struck with the awful task of battling brain cancer.

When it got really bad in June, Angela flew out to Edmonton to help Gina with their 3 children. She was gone for nearly an entire month. I was sad to see her go, but I knew she had to do this for her family. I couldn't have predicted what an impact this situation would have on our friendship. It brought to light how ridiculous the both of us had been.

My heart broke for the whole family. Namand, Gina, Tayvien, Brooklyn, and Tyreece were all in my daily thoughts, along with the rest of their family. I talked to Ange more and more as this terrible situation unfolded. I was broken by the fact that she was hurting so much and I couldn't be there to help, but I called and texted everyday to remind her of what a selfless thing she was doing and what a good person she was, all the while, reminding myself of what an amazing friend I had.

In the end Namand lost his hard fought battle to cancer just a few days after Angela returned to Sault Ste Marie. I think that the powers that be, work in mysterious ways, because for as strong of an individual as Ange is, I don't think she was meant to be there for that. His passing hit her pretty hard, and I was happy to be there for her, to watch videos and cry together, and to chat about all of the wonderful memories she had.

Losing a life is always a tragic event. Namand's was exceptionally sad, as he left behind 3 young, wonderful children, a wife who adored him, and an entire family and friends who will miss him forever, but I don't think he passed in vain. Losing such an amazing person makes everyone realize that life is short and you should hold the people who mean the most to you very closely.

So maybe some people would have been more frustrated to be stuck on such a long drive, but I was happy to be able to use our VERY long drive to catch up with my best friend. This time made me realize that I just want to be HAPPY because you never know when your time will come. Let go of stupid grudges. Don't be so stubborn. Tell people when you need them. Let them know when they've done something good and how important they are to you. You never know when you won't be able to. Trust me, it's a wonderful feeling when you know you are appreciated in the lives of others.

I'm Back

It's been well over a year since I've written a blog, and I have to say, I am pretty disappointed in myself. Working on this blog meant more to me than I think I was willing to admit to myself. It was sort of like my therapy, something to keep me balanced, but more importantly, it kept me accountable to myself.

Today, I read through my blog, and I cried. I mean I really sobbed. The kind of crying that happens when tears are rolling down your cheeks and your nose is running uncontrollably. I cried for my hardships and I cried for my triumphs. I cried because I was proud of myself for all that I accomplished and for all that I've lost. I cried because I remember the feeling of being so proud of myself and how enlightening of a feeling that is! I cried because my blog was so awesome! I could hardly believe I had written it all! I still haven't decided if my tears were happy tears or tears of sadness. They were happy for how amazing this journey was for me and for being able to look back at that time in my life and see so many positive changes in my body and in my spirit, but it was sad to see that I let such an amazing person (myself) fall by the wayside. I stopped practicing all of my great habits, like hitting the gym regularly, eating as well as I could, and making time for myself. Things that genuinely make me happy. I put them aside because I let promises and commitments to others come ahead of promises I have made to myself. I allowed excuses back in. I let life get in the way of MY LIFE and I'm ready to take it back.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm bored of watching TV. Drinking and staying up late just isn't fun anymore. And guess what? All of that bad food that I was allowing myself, WASN'T ALL THAT GOOD! My best meals in life have come after hard work, never after a long night of drinks with friends.

I'm ready to bring back the me that I love. I don't care who wants "the fun Ange", or "the party Ange", or "the Workaholic Ange". I'm ready for the real me.... the best me. I'm not exactly sure where that will take me, but I know it's not here. I can truly say some of  my happiest moments were right after a great workout, or after a week of really clean eating and sitting to enjoy a cheat meal that I had worked for! So I'm doing this for me AGAIN. I know I said I would never go back, but life got the best of me for a little while.

The changes that have happened in the last couple of years are astonishing. Looking back, when I started this blog I was dating a really great guy, who I thought I would spend the rest of my days with. I have been happily single for over a year now, a decision I made for myself and have never regretted I owned a bar, which I have since sold, and am happy to be an EMPLOYEE again, even though it is still managing and running the day to day operations, life is less stressful. Angela and I are no longer living together. Our house was sold and she is actually thinking about making a move out west to be with her new boyfriend. All of these things are different, but I am still the same. My desire to be the better me is still there, it has just been overshadowed by a few of life's obstacles and covered up by a few extra pounds over the last year or so.

So here I go again! On a journey, not for weight loss, or any other one thing. On a journey to make myself as happy as I once was, again! So getting back in shape is a part of it! I could definitely afford to tighten back up a little (ok, a lot). Getting my head back in the game is the biggest part though. Remembering the long term effects of my actions, and keeping my eyes on the prize. Giving myself my happiness back... I like the sound of that! 

EaStER... The Re-Birth of the Son of God and of My BAD Eating Habits...

Easter is worse than Christmas for me. Sweeat treats, my cousin's amazing bridal shower, dinners, and REESE'S EGGS! How can a girl resist?

Easter was supposed to be my one ultimate cheat. I had it planned WEEKS in advance. Easter Sunday was the day I was going to allow myself to eat as many Reese's treats as I wanted... Crazy? I think so, considering I could pack away an entire peanut plantation if I really put my mind to it, but it was a dream of mine.

Long story short, my cheat day turned into a cheat weekend filled with turkey dinners, pasta al forno, ice cream cake, home made desserts, and REESE'S EGGS! I think I would have been able to handle all of the rest of it, but the eggs are like crack! It started out with the little wrapped ones, graduated to the personal size, then the big egg! Once you get that far, there's no turning back!

I had my fill of treats and was done with it Sunday night. I told myself that Monday was a new day. Party's over, back to reality! No problem, except when I woke up on Monday, my thoughts were consumed with Easter candy. I felt like I couldn't stop the cravings. All I could think about was eating junk. 

I once read that sugar is more addictive than cocaine...true or untrue? I cannot compare because I've only ever tried one of these, so all I have to say is good thing I've never tried cocaine because if I liked it half as much as I do the Reese's, I would be in deeeeeeep trouble!

So about a week went by where I ate less than perfectly before I snapped out of it... A WEEK! That's a biiiiiiig craving! My point in all of this is that sometimes it's really hard to get back on track. It's easy to allow ourselves the wonderful, decadent things in life... We all deserve it at least every once in a while! But it doesn't matter if it takes you one cheat day to be back on track, or 10... Just get back! Don't allow a few extra days of bad habits define you. Learn from your challenges and be better prepared next time! I know for myself, when the Reese's Pumpkins, Trees, Hearts, or any other little nugget of deliciousness shows up for the holiday season, I need to get my game face on to face off against it if I allow myself to indulge!

The things that we love to eat the most are sometimes the worst for us! So treat yourselves.... Get yourself a Reese's every once in a while, but beware... They're out to get you and they show no mercy! Be strong against your inner chocolate and peanut butter lover! Fight for your better body!! Don't let the Reese's of your life win!

For now, the tally is Reese's-1, Angela-0, but I'm looking to change that NEXT holiday season! Look out Halloween and the Pumpkins... I'm coming for ya!

A "Fat" Kid and a Stupid Mom

I want to start this off by saying that I will never EVER buy a copy of Vogue magazine in my life. I would say that I would never buy another copy of Vogue ever again, but I don't think I have ever purchased one to begin with, and maybe now I know why.

I was on Facebook one day, minding everyone else's business like you're supposed to on FB, when I came across a post from Jillian Michaels that asked that everyone read an article she had posted about a mother putting her 7 year old daughter on a diet, and to leave a comment about what we thought. So I read the article.

Let me first say that I do think that children should be fed a proper diet, which should be monitored and controlled by their parents. Kids don't even know how to wipe their own butts, let alone how to properly nourish themselves, so bravo to those parents who take the challenge and try to feed their children well balanced diets and attempt to avoid a lot of the regular junk that's out there. You guys rock! Teaching your children proper nutrition is just as important as teaching them their ABC's... Good work, awesome parents! Now I will tell you about this horrendous monster mom.

Dara-Lynn Weiss is a mother to a 7 year old girl. She wrote an article for Vogue titled "Weight Watchers," a chronicle of how she belittled her own child into losing 16lbs. At the age of 7, Weiss' daughter, Bea, was deemed "medically obese" at 4'4 and 93lbs.

When I was about to read this article, I really wanted to agree with it. I wanted it to be about a child who was put on a healthy diet by her mother. I wanted it to be about on how this woman focused on undoing the wrongs that she had taught her daughter diet-wise, in order for her to first become clinically obese. I was hoping that she would promote healthy eating, perhaps enforce a family fitness time or something, and I wanted it to end with the child having a new wealth of knowledge and wonderful new sense of self worth and pride for the fact that she had completed this challenge. If this is your hope, don't even bother looking this up.

This woman pretty much takes an innocent child, publicly humiliates her, teaches her how to eat if you're looking to be on a crash diet, massively restricts her calories, and teaches her how to starve herself, while also hating herself. She refers to her chld as "fat". I don't care who you are or what you think about this lady, that's down right mean. The word "fat" is a negative word. Here is an example of how this woman "helped" her daughter to lose 16 lbs.

I once reproachfully deprived Bea of her dinner after learning that her observation of French Heritage Day at school involved nearly 800 calories of Brie, filet mignon, baguette, and chocolate. I stopped letting her enjoy Pizza Fridays when she admitted to adding a corn salad as a side dish one week. I dressed down a Starbucks barista when he professed ignorance of the nutrition content of the kids’ hot chocolate whose calories are listed as “120-210″ on the menu board: Well, which is it? When he couldn’t provide an answer, I dramatically grabbed the drink out of my daughter’s hands, poured it into the garbage, and stormed out.

How would you feel if you were a 7 year old "fat" girl, who just had a drink ripped from her hands and poured in the garbage? I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that maybe doing these things is not in this little girls best interest. Depriving a child of dinner and causing public scenes is not the avenue that should be taken. But it's Weiss we should all feel sorry for. She explains that “It is grating to have someone constantly complain of being hungry, or refuse to eat what she’s supposed to, month after month.” PLEASE, give me a break! In my opinion, (and I know I don't  have any children of my own) a mother shouldn't be starving her child. If the child is hungry, provide healthy options for her. If she slipped up in her diet, maybe it's too strict for a 7 year old. A mother should correct these behaviours instead of punishing them. It's absolutely outrageous to me that a person would just tell a 7 year old little girl that she's not getting dinner because she participated in a class assignment and ate some brie. I don't understand how she doesn't see the psychological damage this would do to a young girl.

Not only was this published in Vogue, someone has offered this woman a book deal! It wasn't humiliating enough for this poor kid to have her mother write about her being fat (which her mother called her in the article... not my words) but now she is writing a book about all of this and it will be titled, "The Heavy". I bet that's gonna be a big hit for your daughter's self image, Dara-Lynn.

After a year of what Bea describes as "hell," she indeed lost the 16 lbs that she was required to lose by her mother, and was rewarded with new dresses. She says of herself, "That's still me. I'm not a different person because I lost 16lbs."  Dara-Lynn however, disagrees. "That fat girl is a thing of the past." Talk about giving a child a complex! 

Perhaps if I was a psychiatrist I would be happy about this article. I would hope that when this little girl gets old enough she would come to me for therapy. I'm sure at this rate, she'll be racking up quite the bill!

In the end, Weiss comes clean about her own dieting history and self image and writes,  "I have not ingested any food, looked at a restaurant menu, or been sick to the point of vomiting without silently launching a complicated mental algorithm about how it will affect my weight. Who was I to teach a little girl how to maintain a healthy weight and body image?"

IS IT JUST ME, OR IS THIS MAYBE A LITTLE SHORT FOR A 7 YEAR OLD?

I can tell you exactly who you were, THE WRONG PERSON! Parents, let this be a lesson to you take responsibility and teach your children proper nutrition. It all starts at home, but please also remember to be kind to your children. No person deserves to be treated this way, let alone a little, sweet, innocent, impressionable child. Childhood obesity is a serious epidemic and weight issues will be something that your child will suffer with for a lifetime, so teaching proper nutrition is a really big deal. Be good role models and teachers and give them treats too! They're kids, they deserve it. Most of all, be positive... They're always watching! As far as this little girl goes, I hope that she will turn out to be alright and know that she's worth more than her weight on the scale.

Also, if you just read this, please, for my sake, DO NOT go buy this issue of Vogue and encourage this nonsense. I haven't read the entire article because I can't find it online and I refuse to support this garbage, but there are many excerpts from the article available, and if you must read it, I'm sure you'll be able to find it where it belongs. In someone's trash!

There it is! My opinion for the day! Enjoy, and comment freely!

Dear Me....

After 3 long years, I am happy to say I DID IT! I finally reached the weight loss goal I set for myself back in January of 2009. I wish I could go back to that time and reassure myself that things would work out the way I wanted them to. I want to go back and tell that person that she is NOT crazy for thinking that she can lose 54 lbs.

I think back to my days at my old gym, when I first started their EXPENSIVE weight loss program. I was asked to set goals for myself. My short term goal was to lose 20 lbs. My long term goals were to pass the police PREP and reach 160 lbs. I knocked out the 20 lbs in no time, and the police PREP was done in under a year. I trained hard and reached those goals, and went beyond them, but never made it to my other goal. Today, I changed that.

For the last 11 weeks, I have stuck to a solid diet, eating more than I ever have before, I trained hard every time that I went to he gym, and I let go of my excuses. With the crazy, awesome, amazing, excellent, undying knowledge and guidance of my wickedly fit, super wonderful, trainer, roomie, and friend, (was that nice enough? You gotta send people a big time shout out once in a while.) Ange, I have smashed this daunting goal. I have to throw out big thank you's to her because I can SOMETIMES be difficult to work with, and because I'm not exactly sure that I could have done it without the extra push from my friend and training partner. Even though she's "hard as nails" it's  only for the benefit of the people around her and she's always there to help when any friend or family member needs her. So thanks Ange, you rock the fitness and friendship world! Thanks to all of my friends who have encouraged me in this whole crazy thing. There are too many people to mention, but trust me, I never forget the TRUE heartfelt compliments, questions, words of encouragement, or just being a good friend.

To myself, I think back to the days of being overweight and unhealthy and having no idea what to do about it. I was scared to do anything for fear of failure. I think back to being that person and it fills my heart with sadness. I wish this version of me could go back and help the old me to see that we'll be alright. I want to tell her that I'm proud of her for her efforts and taking the first steps in becoming a healthier person and let her know that it won't be easy, but for every step forward you take, you get closer to being healthy and strong and it gets more and more worth it. I also want to tell her that this road will be full of nay-sayers, people who will question your motivation or reasons for putting yourself first, and those who will try to make you feel guilty for that. Screw those people. In the end, those people don't care about you. They're unhappy with themselves and misery truly does love company, but you're better than that! Just be you and strive for your best. It's in you, keep pushing and you'll see it.

So today I reached a long overdue goal. It was a long time coming and it felt great. I hope that this can help someone else to reach for their goals. I know it's never easy, but it's not supposed to be. Take the first steps, ask for help, be serious about your own health. I can tell you certainly that there is no food (not even poutines, pizza, pasta, chocolate....) that taste better than being healthy feels! I also hope that if there are any young girls reading this, they can see that being healthy is really important. It's not about numbers on the scale. Be your best you, be strong and be confident. You're worth it.

Today, I am writing to me and for me.
Dear Me,
Good work so far. Keep it up. Don't settle for anything less than your best. You know your best is probably pretty awesome, so keep going. Push your limits and reach your potential. Failure is not an option. Go above and beyond your own wildest dreams. Keep knowing that you are great and so are those you surround yourself with.Who knows what you're going to accomplish next!


Keep making me proud,
ME

Back By Popular Demand....

I havn't blogged in a long time... so long in fact, that I just assumed that no one would care if I just stopped blogging all together. I mean, no one wants to read it anymore.... It's just been too long.

Then a funny thing happened. I was at Bossy's yesterday, and my friend Taylor came in for lunch. She and her cousin Brittany were sitting at a table reviewing the menu, so I went over and sat down to chat. We were catching up on how things are going in eachother's lives and what not, so when the conversation was over, I said I had to go, I was just going to head to the gym. Taylor looked at me and said, "You look really good Boss. How is all that going?" I told her things were going great. I was on track, thanked her for her compliment and was getting set to leave when she said "Why haven't you been blogging? I miss reading your blogs and I liked keeping up with your progress." She told me that she had been talking over the weekend with another one of my friends who used to read the blog prety faithfully and that both were disappointed that I stopped writing. "I should get a good blog going..." was my response. She looked at me, sort of puzzled and said, "You already have a good blog going. Just keep writing."

So Taylor, thanks for the inspiration yesterday. It's nice to know that people are still talking about my blog and that there's still an interest in reading. For anyone who cares, I weighed in at 172.4 lbs on January 14, 2012. This morning I weighed myself and sit at 161.9 lbs. 10.5 lbs in 10.5 weeks. I'm definitely not winning The Biggest Loser, but I'm not losing any muscle, only fat (I hope it's all fat....)

With only 4.5 more weeks to go until Jamaica, I'm turning it up a little and hoping that small things will mean the big difference. The Fitness Guru (who just happens to be my roomie, Angela DeFrancesco) says drinking more water will help me big time, since my water intake is not as high as it should be. You will now see me toting around a 1.5L water bottle in an effort to be better hydrated. Portion sizes are the next thing to tackle. My diet has been pretty clean so far aside from the occasional (well deserved) cheat, so just trimming down the portion size and getting in meals more often is goal number 2. Next is trimming away my beloved nuts and dried fruit. I put walnuts and dried cranberries in my salad. It makes me happy. Today, I say so long.... it's not goodbye, just ciao for now... *tear* Salads just won't be the same without you...

1.9 lbs until I reach my first goal. It's kinda scary for me... I don't know why, but I get nervous when I get really close to it. I usually allow myself to cheat and move away from it, but this time, I'm busting down doors!

I'm hoping to meet that goal this week, but the number isn't what is important, it's that people are noticing a change. It's sometimes hard for me to see it myself, but I have to say, it's nice to go into stores and try things on and everything fits! Even if it's ugly, it sill fits and that's an amazing feeling and something that I haven't had in a long time.

At the end of this, I feel like getting back at it and blogging like I used to is just the same as getting back to the gym, or back to healthy diet...I can do those things, so I will keep you posted on my journey. I hope everyone reading this who has told me it's been inspirational to them is also doing well. If not, get your ASS off the computer, and haul it to the gym... You'll love your results when you push your limits!

The Pain...

Lance Armstrong beat cancer. He's now very famous for his LIVESTRONG campaign and for the saying "Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever." I hate this saying everyday. Today, I hate it more than most days.

I have pain everyday, as I'm sure a lot of people do. Mine has been long lasting, so far undiagnosed, hard core, never quitting PAIN! A few years ago while training, I heard a POP in my foot, and it has never been the same. Over three years of constant pain in my ankles and feet have lead to back pain, knee pain, and many many days of frustration.

I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. That is never my intention. I work through the pain. When I hear that pain is temporary, it only fuels my anger and my need to beat the pain. I don't quit, but not because quitting lasts forever, just because it's not in me to quit.

On days that my pain is worse than others, I'm hard to talk to, hard to deal with, quiet.... Not because I want to be, but because on some of these days, I let the pain take over. I'm working my hardest to make those days go away. You see, being difficult and pissed off doesn't make me feel better. It's quite the opposite actually. 

For the last three days I have allowed my pain to consume my mood. Some could say I have done this because the pain has been worse in the last three days than it has been in a very long time. It's unexplained as to why these flare ups happen, but I'm working on my reaction to them. If I can't control my pain, I have to control the way I deal with it. I won't allow it to take over my day to day life...

I have resigned myself to the fact that pain is inevitable for me on most days. Although sometimes it's worse than others, it's always on my mind. I'm always cautious of what I'm doing or how I'm moving to try to keep it to a minimum, but it's always there. The suffering is the part that doesn't have to be there. I have worked through my pain before and can do it again, but I only suffer from it when I allow it to take over my life OUTSIDE of it.

I make my own decisions on how I act. I will decide when I get to go to the gym. I will decide when I get to go out with my friends. I won't allow myself to be brought down by something I haven't found a way to control yet.

Everyday I get a little better at dealing with this ongoing pain. I have some slip ups when it gets unexpectedly worse, and to those who have felt the backlash of this, I'm sorry. I'm working on it. To those of you who understand what I mean, I'm sorry too.... Pain is not  fun thing to deal with, but don't let it consume you. Be you, be strong, and get better... Maybe the pain won't get better, but you can get better at how you deal with it. Taking out your frustration by being mad at yourself or others doesn't help. I'm a pro at doing that, and it only makes things worse....



Give yourself credit where it is due. Small steps forward are still steps in the right direction. I bet if you dig deep enough, you'll find out that you're stronger than you think. Kick the ass of the pain. Get stronger everyday, and one day, maybe we can find out that pain IS temporary.